I’ve been asked why do men stop wanting sex? A surprisingly common question. Surprising because so many television shows and books talk about the opposite. The ongoing jokes of “not tonight, I have a headache.” Perhaps the joke is that it is the man saying that not the woman in a relationship.
Often in dating, I was asked questions about sex. Many men of all ages seemed to want to ensure that a healthy sex life would be part of a long-term relationship. And yet as often happens the sex waned. And not because I didn’t want it!
Before we get into the guys ( and men listeners, please weigh in on this). Why should we care? Women are sexual beings as much as men. Our bodies have been created with multiple pleasure points and the ability to have multiple orgasms…it seems that nature wanted us to be very sexual and to enjoy it!
Women according to science come into their sexual peak in their 30s. A cruel joke; since for men, their prime is in their late teens or early 20s. I suppose that if we were to be at our peaks at the same time nothing would ever get done and the human race would have faded out long ago.
For women, I believe sex is also wrapped up in our self-esteem. We are told that men want it all the time, so why don’t they want us? I spent many years thinking I was too fat or unattractive in some way. That I wasn’t loved. Because if he really loved me then he would desire me. Many years of masturbating to take off the edge.
It was after the divorce that I realized that it wasn’t me. It was him. I know that is an easy thing to say and for many of my clients, it takes work to fully embrace that. But it is so freeing!
Sex is not love. It enhances love but there can still be a deeply satisfying relationship without it. Sex can be an occasional coming together. It does not define the relationship or you.
Any man who blames the woman or says they are undesirable needs to leave the relationship or be thrown out. We all know the saying Love is Blind. Trite I know but true. When a couple is in love they see each other through a lens of desire. Look around, there are unattractive people in love all of the time. (and being very sexual). If your man says that you are unattractive or that it is your fault he is wrong. It means the relationship is not working on many levels.
Typically, the men prefer not to talk about. Avoidance is one of their biggest strategies.
So why does sex diminish? Why do Men stop wanting sex?
For many men, there is the initial excitement of the new relationship. The adrenaline of the hunt. The desire comes from the pursuit. Often one they know they have the woman’s love and commitment that excitement dies down and with it their sex drive.
I have talked to many men who agree with this analogy. It may take a few years or it may be quicker but the sex drive often changes for this reason alone. Another nasty trick of nature. As women, we become more comfortable with sex as the relationship deepens.
Add to this the way men’s bodies change. As they age it becomes more difficult to become aroused. They need more time to get an erection. This may be a source of embarrassment or frustration. They may choose avoidance or as relationship counselor John Gray talks about: they go into their caves and wish to be left alone. Better to sink into sports, video games or work than to talk about it. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
The loss of testosterone often causes lack of sex drive in guys. This is part of the natural way our bodies change as we age. They can be tested. We will talk in the future about foods that can increase hormones both for men and women. There are natural enhancement products, most probably do not work so beware. Always talk with a doctor about physical issues and choices of cures.
Now, sometimes there is a real physical or emotional problem. Erectile dysfunction can have many causes including prostate issues, blood sugar issues, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s and others. A good physical where the lessening of sexual desire or the inability to get an erection is mentioned is important.
There can be multiple causes as to why men stop wanting sex. It may be a complicated answer or may never be answered. Share what you have learned or discovered.
What can we do? First be patient. Understand that it isn’t you. Most men do find their wives or girlfriends desirable. It is psychological or physiological issues that the men can’t help. Treat it as you would another problem. Be supportive, be patient. Continue to love and snuggle. Try touching, kissing that isn’t direct sexual outreach.
Talk to your honey when you have private time that is not expected to end in sex. Ask using I questions or statements. “I feel that I want sex, what can we do?” They may have a suggestion.
Don’t dismiss their desires or thoughts. For some men lingerie, perfume, looking at porn together may do the trick. Be careful not to take this personally. Everyone has preferences, fantasies or dreams that get them going. As long as it isn’t scary, painful or otherwise repugnant to you, why not give it a try. A little dress up or no sex; you have to decide. In future podcasts, I will talk about how not to take things personally. I have been on both sides and know how easy it can be to feel bad about yourself when you really don’t have to.
Timing may be an issue. We have a faulty idea that bedtime is sextime. For many men, morning is a better time. Well rested, already snuggled up and often an erection. Others say that midday or afternoon delight is when they are most ready. Older men especially the retired might find changing the time of day spontaneous or perfect for their body.
In your relationship the question, why do men stop wanting sex might never be answered. Yes, try to talk about. And when all else fail. Love your partner for all their other wonderful traits. Love your self. Sex is a wonderful release and can enhance a relationship but it is not the defining characteristic of true love. (go to how to choose an adult toy or vibrator)
Hypnosis can help in many ways. Schedule with Keridak, a free 15-minute phone consultation. Private, confidential and sessions can be by phone in your own home.